Welcome
to Romantic Friday Writers Challenge No. 44 for Friday 7th September 2012.
RFWers is a fortnightly challenge that is founded by and hosted by and Donna Hole. For Challenge No 44, participants are asked to write a text 600 words or less using the prompt, 'I should have kissed you'.
I said earlier, that the text for 'Romantic Picnic' would be the last time that I post for RFW about Jenny & Co. I said this because I did not think that I could continue to fit the plot of this story into any more challenges. But I was wrong. There is a place in the story where 'I should have kissed you', might fit.
If you haven't read the story so far and would like to read it before reading the text for challenge No. 44, you will find it here.
Title: 'I should have kissed you'
Sally
Norton is the wife of the photographer, Tom Norton, who accompanied his
writer-friend, Jenny Holland on a trip to the South Pacific. Here are
excerpts from Sally Norton's diary:
Tom's
old school friend, Jenny Holland, has won a writing contest and wants
him to come with her on a trip to take photos. Tom has almost no
assignments right now, so he really wants to go. Just a week. His photos
will be published in Plot & Intrigue-Magazine along with Jenny's article.
Sounds fun. Wish I could go. But someone has to stay with the children. And we can't afford my ticket.
September 14, 2009
Micky
and Susan want a rabbit. The pet shop has something called
'Rent-a-Rabbit'. Families can rent a pet rabbit for a month and then
return it to the breeder, when the novelty has worn off. I've ordered
two.
September 15, 2009
Tom's excited about the trip. I helped him pack.
September 16, 2009
Drove
Tom to the airport. Jenny, Paul and their children, as well as Paul's
sister, Julia and her husband John, were all there. We came early and
had time to eat lunch together.
The kids wanted to eat hamburgers, but we succeeded in steering them away from McDonald's and took our meal at that French restaurant, Les Trois Gourmandes. Jenny ordered the Escalopes de Veal Chasseur, Paul had the Boeuf au Gingembre, Julia had the Rôti de porc poêlé, John, had the Gratin aux fruits de mer, Tom ate Beouf Bourguinon and I had Poulet poêlé à l'estragon. The children ate hamburgers: Bifteck haché. But Micky didn't like the onions and Susan wanted only catchup and no lettuce.
The kids wanted to eat hamburgers, but we succeeded in steering them away from McDonald's and took our meal at that French restaurant, Les Trois Gourmandes. Jenny ordered the Escalopes de Veal Chasseur, Paul had the Boeuf au Gingembre, Julia had the Rôti de porc poêlé, John, had the Gratin aux fruits de mer, Tom ate Beouf Bourguinon and I had Poulet poêlé à l'estragon. The children ate hamburgers: Bifteck haché. But Micky didn't like the onions and Susan wanted only catchup and no lettuce.
I hope that Jenny and Tom will have a good time. Hope it brings us luck. Tom needs the work and PR.
I
am wondering how Jenny's and Paul's two children, Colin and Sarah, will
take this separation. Sarah is so little. I don't understand how Jenny
dare to leave her for a week, even if her mother and Paul's sister are
taking care of her. She's so tiny.
Jenny seems to have jumped at the chance to get away for a while. She has been more or less alone with the care of Colin and Sarah. Jenny says that Paul is a good provider, but I bet it hasn't been easy to be married to him. Jenny says that Paul has never changed a nappy or read a bedtime story. He seems to be more interested in his career than in his family.
I'm lucky I've got Tom, who always helps me. Bless you Tom, wherever you are!
Jenny seems to have jumped at the chance to get away for a while. She has been more or less alone with the care of Colin and Sarah. Jenny says that Paul is a good provider, but I bet it hasn't been easy to be married to him. Jenny says that Paul has never changed a nappy or read a bedtime story. He seems to be more interested in his career than in his family.
I'm lucky I've got Tom, who always helps me. Bless you Tom, wherever you are!
And
now we're going to have another baby! Took a
do-it-yourself-pregnancy-test when I came home from the airport. Micky
and Susan are going to have a new little brother or sister! Must tell
Tom! He'll be glad to hear this. Maybe I could leave a message at their
hotel?
September 23, 2009
No
word from Tom yet. Busy day today. Everything must be nice for Tom when
he gets home. Picked up the rabbits yesterday. Micky and Susan call
them 'Thumper' and 'Drusilla'. 'Thumper' is from Bambi, but why 'Drusilla'?
September 25, 2009
I don't know how to write this.
Someone from the embassy phoned. Tom and Jenny took a boat and their ship went down. They haven't found the bodies yet, if ever.
I just can't believe this. Must be some mistake. Say this isn't true. I didn't even kiss you good-bye. I should have kissed you. Please God, let me kiss my dear sweet Tom again.
Someone from the embassy phoned. Tom and Jenny took a boat and their ship went down. They haven't found the bodies yet, if ever.
I just can't believe this. Must be some mistake. Say this isn't true. I didn't even kiss you good-bye. I should have kissed you. Please God, let me kiss my dear sweet Tom again.
***
Word count: 598
[Text Copyrght Christina Wigren 2012]
------
Word count for 'I should have kissed you' according to WordCalc is: 598; FCA; Full Critique Acceptable
Best wishes,
Anna
P.S.
This is a fictional text. Any resemblance to events, firms or to persons living or dead, is purely coincidental.
First Commenter:
Nilanjana Bose
of
Madly-in-Verse
21 comments:
I hope she gets to kiss him again. Poignant.
Anna I love how this is coming along! I really like the first person voice here and laughed at the idea of renting rabbits :)
I enjoyed hearing the story from a different perspective too, adds a bit of depth.
I'm really impressed Anna, I've noticed your writing style is developing more each time you post. Good work.
You brought a lump to my throat, so sad because it's the ordinary with the tragic. Great writing.
Oh how sad. Now I want to hear a continuation to find out what happens :)
Oh this is sad Anna....I like the way you are getting us in touch with everyone who was involved on the outside...and now I wonder what was really happening with Jenny and Paul if he wasn't so involved with the family....can't wait to read the next chapter...maybe sally and jenny will get together...maybe they will find comfort and solace in each other....maybe Sally will blame Jenny...so many possibilities with human emotions involved.
Excellent writing again!!
Hi Anna
A flash back for those of us who have been following this story. You bring home the regret we would all feel in this circumstance. Your writing is good. It does lack tension, however, I think that is because you're pulling it from the story. Keep writing.
Nancy
Hi Anna, This is a great reminder not to take time with loved ones for granted. I think I would've added a bit more drama to your last journal entry. With such shocking news, I would make it more descriptive.
The rabbit story was a cute addition :)
I like the mix of the dramatic with the rabbit story, Anna. It's a good way to highlight details of the impact of events on the minor characters, while at the same time fleshing out Paul's character, etc.
I agree with some of the other commenters about adding more drama to Sally's discovery that the boat went down.
Anna, as Charmaine says, your writing in English is coming along in leaps and bounds, as we say. This is written perfectly for the theme - whereas my couple are actually kissing, you have the 'I should have kissed you' in the right place. Imagine being given that news! I'm glad you found another prompt where you could use this story, as there's still so much story to tell.
Denise
Poignant story, so heart breaking. I agree that the last post needs something, but I don’t know how to write it without taking it out of first person. I would find it hard to write anything with such overwhelming sadness…I’m at a loss, unless you wrote it as a love letter to Tom, instead of a diary post, or inside a diary post?
I loved the story and where you’re going…I can’t wait to find out.
Awww, such a tragic ending. I wish she hears some good news about Tom. Well done Anna.
Wow, Anna. I really enjoyed this story. I think you got the balance of the everyday with the dramatic. I don't think you need to expand the last entry. It's a diary entry the day after she receives bad news. She's still in shock and less expressive, perhaps.
Hi Anna,
The diary effect is perfect even as a stand-alone piece of writing, let alone as part of a greater story. It tells the story, reveals the characters, embodies sadness and then regret. Nicely written. ;)
best
F
I'm with Francine,
I really enjoyed the diary prose. A slow and steady build up to a tragic end. Nicely done.
OH NO!!!! Another accident... this can't be like Jenny and Paul! It can't! I want to know everything! I hope Tom's okay! *biting my nails anxiously*
Oh this is so heartbreaking! I hope you fit in the next challenge so you can finish the story with better news about Tom. Well done Anna!
Thanks for your kinds words on my post.
Sad. Such a sorry state of affair. I hope, he gets to meet the new baby :)
It took me a moment to remember the story line thus far. I'm so out of things lately . .
Interesting take, using the diary entries to build such an ordinary life, then the tragic news at the end. I like the way you used the "I should have kissed you" concept the make the news that much more tragic.
Thanks for participating in RFW Anna.
......dhole
.......dhole
I really like your writing...You have come a long way from the Saturday Centus, where I used to love your stories. I miss those days...but one can do only so much with their time.
Like Jenny can only hope and pray that they come back.
As far the tension, it's her pov, wouldn't have the shock value...people tend to go numb initially till the truth sets in and some never give up that stance for a long time...breaking down equals accepting the truth for them.
I enjoyed your work, poignant and yet with a hint of impossible hope at the end.
Have a great week ahead.
Oh, how sad and heartbreaking! Well done.
Kerrin
Oh gosh 'Rent-a-Rabbit' sounds like a good idea, though I worry about those rabbits getting stressed out!
Glad you got the shudda kissed you bit in at the end. Sounds like Sally has a rather chaotic life and the awful news about her husband, Tom, is rather a shock in amongst her day to day concerns.
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