Thursday, 23 February 2012

The Perfect 9.5 - Romantic Friday Writers Challenge No. 32




Welcome to the Romantic Friday Writers' fortnightly writing challenge, started and hosted by , where participants share their own 300-400-word text - story or poem - on a given theme. This week's theme for Friday 24th February, Challenge No. 32, is 'The Perfect 9.5'. My text is written directly for this REW-challenge.




Here is my text :
(Scroll down past the 'Romantic Friday Writers' Badge to read a new version of this story applying advice from RFW-member Linda Katmarian.)
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Ginny and Tommy were good at this. Although not identical twins, only brother and sister born at the same time, they shared thoughts and could anticipate each other's movements. They had practiced for weeks. Now was the time to dance before the judges. For Ginny and Tommy, dancing was not romantic; it was a sporting event to music. You feel the music and know your moves. Being twins made it easier.

They sat with their mother and the rest of the contestants waiting for their turn. Mrs Jones, a tall woman wearing a long Cerulean blue frock, signaled to the next pair to dance. She then approached the microphone and spoke:

'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Wolverhampton's annual ballroom-dancing competition for ten-year-olds. Let's give each of the competing couples a round of applause as they walk out on the floor.'

The first couple got a lot of sevens and eights. Good, thought, Ginny, There's still hope for us. Several more pairs of children danced and were judged. For one dancing-couple the judges held up cards with several eights and one nine. 'Oh no', whispered Tommy, 'They're getting better'.

Then Mrs Jones signaled to Tommy and Ginny to go. They walked out to the middle of the floor, took their starting position and waited. The music began to play and they were off. One-two-three, one-two-three, one-two-three, they counted in their heads. Ginny smiled at the judges when they twirled closer to them. Tommy smiled the whole time at her.

Ginny wondered how it will be when it is 'for real', if
they would each dance with someone who wasn't their twin? She loved Tommy and wondered if she could ever love anyone more than him.

One-two-three, one-two-three, one-two-three. It was going alright. Tommy had not stepped on her toes, nor did she step on his. Their music was coming to a close and they synchronised their last movements perfectly with the moment the music stopped. They returned to their seats and waited for the judges.
They were not the last couple, but this score was decisive. Finally the judges held up their score cards: One with eight, and six with 9.5!

'Does this mean that we win?' whispered Ginny to her mother.
'I don't know. But to me, you're both perfect.' She gave Ginny and Tommy each a hug.
'A perfect 9.5!' laughed Tommy.


[Text copyright 2012 Christina Wigren]



Word count according to WordCalc: 399; NCCO; No Critique, Comments Only.




------
Best wishes,
Anna



P.S.
This is a piece of fiction.


P.P.S. in reponse to Linda Katmarian's suggestions:

The first version of this story was from the point of view of the frustrated but proud mother of these twin dancers. But I was so bored with writing stories about unhappy divorcées that I decided to put the focus on these two children, who can work so well together.

Some years ago, I was aquainted with a family that had a pair of fraternal twins, a boy and a girl, who were so different from my own son and daughter. These children never fought and teased each other the way mine did and still do. My son is two and a half years older than my daughter and their age difference is a source of constant conflicts. These twins were always nice to each other because they were the same age and understood each other. They had learned early to be considerate.

The choice of twins for my main characters, is important to the plot because these dancing children have to know each other well in order to dance well. It is not important that they win the dance contest. They do very well and get high scores compared to the other couples, but the main point is that they can work well together; and this is partly because they are twins and so close to each other.

I think that good marriages work in a similar way; it's just that married couples need to take more time, patience and effort to get to know each other.

One might speculate that perhaps this couple of siblings, who really like and care about each other, will be disappointed in the people they meet later in life, because no one will ever understand them better than their twin.

These were some of my thoughts when I wrote this story.

Best wishes,
Anna




First Commenter:

Weissdorn
of
Tales from the Rhön




To read other texts for Romantic Friday Writers Challenge No.32, with the theme 'The Perfect 9.5', please visit this site or click on the image below:



One of the purposes of RFW's fortnightly writing challenges, is to help each other in the writing process. Linda Katmarian has left some suggestions in a comment that I am going to use in my text to see if these changes are an improvement. Read Linda's critique in the comment box.

Ginny and Tommy were good at dancing. Although fraternal, and not identical twins, they shared thoughts and could anticipate each other's movements. They had practiced for weeks. Now was the time to dance before the judges. For Ginny and Tommy, ballroom dancing was not romantic; it was a sporting event to music. You feel the music and know your moves. Being twins made it easier.

They sat with their mother and the rest of the contestants waiting for their turn. Mrs Jones, a tall woman wearing a long Cerulean blue frock, signaled to the next pair to dance. She then approached the microphone and spoke:

'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Wolverhampton's annual ballroom-dancing competition for ten-year-olds. Let's give each of the competing couples a round of applause as they walk out on the floor.'

The first couple got a lot of sevens and eights. Good, thought, Ginny, There's still hope for us. Several more pairs of children danced and were judged. For one dancing-couple the judges held up cards with several eights and one nine. 'Oh no', whispered Tommy, 'They're getting better'.

Then Mrs Jones signaled to Tommy and Ginny to go. They walked out to the middle of the floor, took their starting position and waited. The music began to play and they were off. One-two-three, one-two-three, one-two-three, they counted in their heads. Ginny smiled at the judges when they twirled closer to them. Tommy smiled the whole time at her.

Ginny wondered how it will be when it is 'for real', if
they would each dance with someone who wasn't their twin? She loved Tommy and wondered if she could ever love anyone more than him.

One-two-three, one-two-three, one-two-three. It was going alright. Tommy had not stepped on her toes, nor did she step on his. Their music was coming to a close and they synchronised their last movements perfectly with the moment the music stopped. They returned to their seats and waited for the judges.
They were not the last couple, but this score was decisive. Finally the judges held up their score cards: One with eight, and six with 9.5!

'Does this mean that we win?' whispered Ginny to her mother.
'I don't know. But to me, you're both perfect.' She gave Ginny and Tommy each a hug.
'A perfect 9.5!' laughed Tommy.
------
[Text copyright 2012 Christina Wigren]
New word count according to WordCalc: 393

What do you think? Was this better? Should I use the seven words that were saved somewhere else in the text? Where do I need them? What more needs to be said here?

Donna Hole has also written an interesting comment about my text and has suggested other changes for the first paragraph. I have incorporated these changes in a third version of my text below. Let's see how it works. (I am also changing a verb form in the last paragraph.)

Here is the third version of my 'Perfect 9.5-text' with Donna Hole's suggested changes in green.
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Ginny and Tommy were good at ballroom dancing. As fraternal twins, they had an advantage over the other ten year old beginners; they shared thoughts and could anticipate each other's movements better than most adult dancers who'd spent years as partners. They had practiced for weeks. Now was the time to dance before the judges. For Ginny and Tommy, ballroom dancing was not romantic; it was a sporting event to music. You feel the music and know your moves. Being twins made it easier.

They sat with their mother and the rest of the contestants waiting for their turn. Mrs Jones, a tall woman wearing a long Cerulean blue frock, signaled to the next pair to dance. She then approached the microphone and spoke:

'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Wolverhampton's annual ballroom-dancing competition for ten-year-olds. Let's give each of the competing couples a round of applause as they walk out on the floor.'

The first couple got a lot of sevens and eights. Good, thought, Ginny, There's still hope for us. Several more pairs of children danced and were judged. For one dancing-couple the judges held up cards with several eights and one nine. 'Oh no', whispered Tommy, 'They're getting better'.

Then Mrs Jones signaled to Tommy and Ginny to go. They walked out to the middle of the floor, took their starting position and waited. The music began to play and they were off. One-two-three, one-two-three, one-two-three, they counted in their heads. Ginny smiled at the judges when they twirled closer to them. Tommy smiled the whole time at her.

Ginny wondered how it will be when it is 'for real', if
they would each dance with someone who wasn't their twin? She loved Tommy and wondered if she could ever love anyone more than him.

One-two-three, one-two-three, one-two-three. It was going alright. Tommy had not stepped on her toes, nor did she step on his. Their music was coming to a close and they synchronised their last movements perfectly with the moment the music stopped. They returned to their seats and waited for the judges.
They were not the last couple, but this score was decisive. Finally the judges held up their score cards: One with eight, and six with 9.5!

'Does this mean that we will win?' whispered Ginny to her mother.
'I don't know. But to me, you're both perfect.' She gave Ginny and Tommy each a hug.
'A perfect 9.5!' laughed Tommy.


Word count: 413
------

Thank you, Donna, for your input here. You have thought of several things that I have not thought about at all. I must confess that I don't know much about ballroom dancing or dance competitions, so I am sure that this text has many flaws. I am not the mother of twins so here again I am probably out on a limb.

This text is not part of a work in progress; but I can imagine what the rest of the book might be like if it were. Who knows, maybe I can develop this further. But right now I don't have the time. The twin-theme maybe something that I might explore at some other time. Why not? I've tried writing about cats, ghosts, faeries, elves, gnomes and now ten year old fraternal twins. I can only guess at what I'll try next. Certainly not werewolves or vampires, but you never know!

Best wishes,
Anna





Tina/parltradet has curated two new Etsy treasuries: 'Gardening' and 'Feathers'







Best wishes,
Anna



First Commenter:
Tanya Walton
of
Allotments 4 you




Translate a text here:

My shop parltradet has curated these Etsy treasuries: